We’ve been looking at egg donors for months, but I really want my baby to look like me. None of the possible donors seem to fit. Are we being crazy, or should we just give up the idea that we will find the “perfect” profile. What are your thoughts?
— Bruce and Christian
I once had a client who spent 18 months looking at donor profiles of women from all over North America. I don’t know what he was looking for exactly — his comment for each donor was that she didn’t look “quite like the person he had in mind”. A year and a half later, he finally gave up his search, as well as his dream of having a child.
So many couples struggle with infertility. I work with couples every day who are ready to mortgage their entire lives to have ANY child at all. I’ll never understand how someone can prefer NO child rather than a child that doesn’t look “quite like the person he had in mind”.
In the end I was relieved this particular client cancelled his journey (and I was happy to refund his money). Such obsession on appearance is personally infuriating. The prevalence of IVF and Surrogacy has made having a baby easier than buying a car. And just like a new car, some couples seem to consider their new baby something to show off on Instagram rather than an actual loving person.
Of course there is a certain reasonable desire to have your baby look like yourself. It’s understandable that some parents think a child who is clearly a different ethnic heritage may feel ‘out of place’ in the family photos. I grant some leeway here — but this can quickly reach obsessive levels.
Side note: If you´re just starting your own donor search, check this article in the Guide about how to find a great egg donor.